12 Ways I Think My Marriage Will Be Even Better in My Thirties
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There are quite a few things that are said to get better with time:
Wine
Cheese
Vintage Chanel handbags
As 2014 draws near I can’t help but hope that my love — the love I share with my husband gets better too. I’m hoping that marriage for us gets even better with time. See, next year I turn 30. Thirty. I’ve asked myself several times; How is it that you are turning thirty? I mean I still call my mom “mommy” and am certain that Disneyland is the happiest place on earth. There are days when I feel like I’m trapped in this aging body. Mentally I don’t feel (almost) thirty. Physically I don’t feel (almost) thirty. Ok. Maybe a little bit physically.
Despite having spent all of my 20s being a mother a part of me still relates to the girl who, in her early twenties, set forth to take on the world with sippy cup and textbooks in hand. A girl who was terrified of dating as a single parent but somehow felt like she “knew” when she met him. The girl whose closest confidant for the majority of the past 10 years was her mom and the sleeping child that laid beside her — the keeper of all of her mother’s dreams. The one who fueled each and every one of them as well.
I guess for me the shock stems from the fact that I often feel like I’m supposed to have it all together by now. Right? In the running list of things that should have occurred or should be relative to my life at this moment nothing should be unchecked or undone. And the thing is as amazing as it is it doesn’t quite look like I imagined it would. Not even my marriage.
Recently I read an article about how dating is different in your thirties compared to your twenties. As I read it I reflected over the past decade of my life. So much has happened. And as much as I’ve struggled to find myself and what I’m passionate about aside from motherhood and being a wife I keep finding myself at odds. At odds with what I want and what I need, with what I want for my family and what my family actually needs. But I’m reminding myself that God’s plan for my life may look a lot different than my own and perhaps if I can stop focusing on my plans so much the journey will be a more joyous one. Truthfully despite the challenges that I’ve faced, these past years have been more lovely than I could have imagined. My twenties are where I found some of the most beautiful things present in my life to this day, things like my voice — and love. The most sincere, genuine love I have ever experienced. A love that finds joy in my smile and in my very existence. A love that I am honored to be on the receiving end of and give freely in return.
I haven’t a clue what love will look like for me in my thirties and am certain my voice will have changed some as a result of the fact that I will have changed. In my twenties my relationship was filled with highs and lows. There were breakups and make-ups, there were deep conversations about the future and a realization that while we could do this life thing without each other we didn’t want to. We weren’t going to. There was an exchange of promises in the form of wedding vows and a feeling that we had finally made it. There was some weathering of storms and a steadfastness that would help us to push through when everything in life seemed complex with the exception of our love and when everything in life seemed simple but loving was the hard part. Through it all the common thread being that life is sweeter together.
Over the years I’ve not just grown older, I’ve also grown up. And although I’m not done yet — we aren’t done yet — something tells me that marriage will be even better in my thirties. Of course, I’ll have my twenties to thank for that. They shaped me in ways I would have never imagined. In the three years we have been married my husband and I have grown so much. I feel closer to him than ever and from here our future looks quite bright. Here are 12 ways I think marriage will be even better in my thirties.
Leaning will be more natural
When you've been single for so long it is hard to lean on other people. One of the things that fueled my desire to go to school was the fact that I didn't want to have to depend on someone. Ever. I had been burned. But time has shown me that it is ok to depend on someone. Yes, I've got a plan b but I've also got a spouse with a shoulder that begs for me to lean on it. One of the things that I struggle with is internalizing things. And it's not healthy. I bury things inside until I can't. But the longer I am married the quicker I am to seek refuge and comfort in the arms of my husband.
I’ll have more confidence
As I mature I believe that my confidence increases. It is an area I struggle in but over time I am learning to be kinder to the woman I am. I am learning to be more forgiving of her and her faults just as my husband is. I am learning that while my body isn't what it was in my twenties it has done miraculous things. It may not look exactly like I would like for it to look but it's been good to me. For me confidence is about me learning to be comfortable in the skin I am in. Truly comfortable and learning to work with what I've got. My husband loves every single part of me. He doesn't feel the need to pick me apart. Why should I? How amazing would life be if I could see and love myself the way he does. (Side note: I have yet to meet a man who doesn't find confidence sexy. My husband loves how confidence looks on me.)
An ability to get straight to the point
The older I get the less I want to play games with anyone. This includes subjecting my husband to attempts to read my mind because he should know. I've already been making more of an effort to be vocal about my wants and needs removing the need for guesswork and I know I will only get better with this in time.
Better friends
I hope to have an even deeper friendship with my husband. I've shared this quote countless times because it resonates with me so much when it comes to my closest friends."The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart." This is my wish for my husband and I, and so far it has held true but we haven't stopped growing. Our hopes, dreams, goals and interests are constantly evolving. During the past decade I learned a lot about friendship. My husband and I aren't best friends but I look forward to the day when we can say that we are.
Maturity
I have always thought of myself as a caring and giving person but having been single for so long, compromise wasn't a big part of my life. My husband and I would compromise but I wasn't always very graceful in how I handled things when they didn't go my way. I'm the kind of person who tends to wear her emotions on her sleeve. As I've matured I've learned that oftentimes the satisfaction of seeing my husband genuinely happy means more than having my way. I am also learning to be quiet sometimes. The satisfaction of having the last word in a heated argument is short-lived and not worth the additional damage it can potentially cause. I hope to mature even more as I age.
More "us" time
With the arrival of our littlest came less one-on-one time for us. But as she grows and her mama matures I realize how important making time for my husband is. As much as I desire to be with my children, I realize the importance of maintaining the relationship I have with their father. Eventually our babies will grow up and move on with their lives. And then it will be my husband and I. It's important to maintain our connection so that we might have a love that can indeed last a lifetime.
A better understanding of who I am
When I am more fulfilled in my own life I find I am a better mother and wife. Although being a mother and wife gives me the greatest sense of joy I desire to have a life outside of those two things. I desire to live a life in which I walk in my purpose. And now I wish I felt like I knew exactly what that was. Because the thing is I thought I did but now I'm not so sure. So it's time for me to do some work. It's time for me to figure out who and what (else) I want to be and work towards it. As I become more fulfilled in my own life and feel better about me the way that I interact with my own family changes for the better.
Wisdom
With age comes wisdom. The longer you are here the more opportunities life has to teach you a thing or two (life isn't always a bowl of cherries). The longer I am married the more I learn about my husband and about marriage. Marriage looks very little like I imagined it would look even moments before I headed down the aisle. But had I lacked wisdom I wouldn't have been equipped to handle the challenges that life presented us with. Love and commitment have helped us weather our share of storms. Wisdom has helped us to realize that storms aren't forever.
Fewer arguments
The older I get the less I sweat the small stuff. Even now I see things that used to bother me no longer do. My husband and I have laughed about how easily we have navigated things that would have resulted in an argument in the past. Look, I'm almost thirty. "Ain't nobody got time for that."
Teamwork
When you work with someone for a significant amount of time you start to feel like a team. The first years of marriage have been about us learning each other in a different capacity than we had while dating. Now that we have put in the work to learn to communicate more effectively and learn various triggers and soft spots our team is even more powerful than it was before. A united team is a force to be reckoned with. When you are together supporting each other and standing strong outside factors won't break you. You will refer to your game plan and get to work.
Loving
The longer I am married the more comfortable I become. I really believe one's love life is definitely something that can get (even) better with time. You and your spouse have a chance to learn what pleases each other and the deep love that you have for each other removes any feelings of pressure.
More memories
As we travel through life we are afforded the opportunity to make even more memories as a family and as a couple. With my thirties will come a host of new memories to add to the books. They are the things that I will reflect on when I need a reminder of the strength in our union as well as the things that will cause my face to light up with joy on the days when I could use a little pick me up.
My twenties were tough but they were also magical. The three most important people in my life made their debut (my oldest was born when I turned 20) in my twenties. I still feel a bit anxious about my thirties but I am grateful that these three people will be there with me as I travel through them. As much as I struggle with getting older I realize the gift that it is. More time. More chances. If I’m getting older it means I am also getting the opportunity to live and to do one of the things that makes living especially sweet love.
For those of you who got married in your twenties and are now married in your thirties did your relationship change? How so?
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Several years ago my mother preached a sermon. During it she shared some of the trials that she went through and made a beautiful analogy. She talked about gold and the process it goes through. Essentially each time you place it back in the fire the purer it becomes — 10k to 14k to 18k to 24k.
It’s something that I’ve held at the back of my mind for quite some time. Occasionally it resurfaces coming to the forefront of my thoughts. This season in reflecting on my own marriage I couldn’t help but think that my love is like gold. Most often we look at the challenges we face in a relationship as an indication of the strength it has. Going through things will most certainly show you if your love has the ability to weather life’s storms. But it will also do more.
For me the challenges that we have faced as a couple have been humbling. They have shown me that while I’m strong, perhaps I am not as strong as I think. While I have also strived to be independent it’s ok to depend on my husband. It’s ok to need him, to lean on him and to even crumble in his presence.
No matter what he will be there. There have been times when I’ve felt like I’m in the fire, we’re in the fire. Trying to navigate the decisions that come with being an adult. Trying to figure out what is best for our family. There have been times when the pressure has been so great; life has been painful but our love ever present.
Coupled with our faith in God and love for our children our love has helped us to hold on.
As we go through the fire in a way we are stripped of our own “impurities” pride, stubbornness, a lack of patience and acceptance of the things that are counterproductive to our marriage and to our family. With each trial we come out better. Stronger but also more in love and with a deeper respect for one another and an appreciation for what we bring to each other’s lives.
I find myself seeing my husband differently than I did. Having more compassion for him, more acceptance for the man who accepts me for who I am and more appreciation for the person who holds my hand on this journey. A man who does not watch me as I pass through the fire but holds my hand and travels with me.
When I crumble he helps me up. When I succeed. We succeed. And while I would love to live in a life that felt a bit easier I realize that in the midst of our trials our love is being perfected —10k to 14k to 18k to 24k.
As our love and respect for one another increase so does the quality of our relationship. Essentially it becomes even more valuable. It is worth fighting for and worth cherishing.
Each and every day I find myself more and more grateful for the gift of companionship. Although imperfect, our love is beautiful. It is ours. And it is golden.
